When ‘Keeping It Real’ Goes Really Wrong

“Are you f*ck-ing kidding me? Is this seriously the best you can do? Get your act together, for f*ck's sake."

Recently, I was watching Kyle, a new middle manager, run a monthly meeting. He was having his direct reports go around the table and list the action steps each had taken and not taken in the prior 30 days. As one of his team members spoke, Kyle interrupted her with the tirade at the top of this blog – at a loud volume and in an angry tone. I was startled. Everyone else in the room was stunned.

At the end of the meeting, after everyone else had left the room, I pulled Kyle aside. Because I had never met him before, I asked him about his background, how he got to the company and his current position. I finally got to the question I wanted to ask: “Kyle, in the middle of your meeting, it looked like you got upset with Sarah. What was that about?” His response: “I was being honest and just keeping it real.”

Be Real, Not Rude

“Keeping it real” implies being authentic and true to oneself. But does considering how your words impact others decrease authenticity? Does expressing intense emotion without yelling make you less genuine? Does speaking to someone without an ad hominem attack make you less true to yourself?

Culture is not only about the behaviors that are required; it’s also about the behaviors that are allowed. To allow the type of response quoted above without correction would be giving tacit permission for it to continue.

Kyle was a new manager. Like so many other managers, he had been promoted on his technical competence but never given any training on communication and leadership.  

I took the opportunity to share with Kyle three critical points of communication in an emotionally charged circumstance:

1. Communication changes with title. As soon as you start to supervise others and have authority over them, your communication requires more discipline and consideration.  Your authority gives your words impact they did not have when you were a peer. Your words have a weight that can open or close channels of communication that will deliver information that you need. You want to always keep those channels open. You close them at your own peril.
2. Authenticity with a filter. You can be honest while maintaining consideration for the person with whom you’re speaking. You can say, “this is frustrating” about a recurring problem, “this is upsetting” if you’re angry or bothered, or “this is unbelievable” if the situation is novel or unexpected. There are countless ways to express emotions that allow you to be authentic while keeping people engaged rather than put off or shut down.
3. Situation, then solution. Focus on clarifying and aligning around the situation first, rather than focusing on the person and their perceived shortcomings. Then enlist them in creating a solution AND a system to prevent the situation from recurring. Why? First, this ensures they understand that the situation they created will be resolved by them – it is still their responsibility. And, if they create the system and/or solution, then they own the system and/or solution.

To build cultures that last in our organizations, leaders must be great communicators and teach managers how to be leaders. Leaders lead people. Managers manage tasks. Leaders understand that if you are trying to lead a group of people from one place to another, but you turn around and no one is following you, then you’re just a person out for a walk. Leadership is about bringing people along with you. The beliefs, behavioral rules, traditions, and rituals we create in our culture around communication will secure the longevity of our organizations.

That is part of what we do. Let us know how we can help.

I’d love to hear your questions and comments. If you would like to discuss this topic further, just drop me a note. 

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